What to do when marriage gets hard!

Friday, May 21, 2021


We recently celebrated our 13 year wedding anniversary on a mountaintop. It was just the two of us, our hiking boots, water, snacks, camera gear and a change of clothing for when we made it to the top. Dirty Harry's trail is less than an hour away from Seattle and has a super gorgeous view at the top! I highly recommend the hike on a sunny day as a date with your significant other. 

In many ways this hike represented our journey as a couple! Marriage has its ebbs and flows. While we were walking up the mountain we could see glimpses of beauty through the trees but knew that we had to keep walking in order to get to the top where the view was even grander. Many people don't believe me when I say that we've had rough patches in our marriage because we really protect our love. However, we are real people, chasing big dreams and raising 4 other humans. Trust me! We've had hard times! Here's what has helped;


1. Choose to like your spouse - I often hear people say "I love my spouse but I don't like them". This is such a damaging statement. Often times our marriage is hard because our spouse can tell that we don't like them. When you like someone your arms are open for an embrace when you see them, you smile from ear to ear and talk on and on about what excites you and ask how they are doing. You also take the time to listen to what they have to say and admire the little things about them. After all...we would want this for ourselves also. Even if you don’t feel it at the moment remind yourself to like your spouse daily. A simple rub on the head, loving gaze or statement of affirmation can go a long way!


 2. Basic needs matter! Food, rest, exercise, sunshine, vitamins etc. matter! A lack of certain  vitamins and minerals can cause irritability and poor communication. Be sure to take good care of your health and encourage your spouse to do the same. Being deficient in iron, B12 and vitamin D can all cause irritability. Also unchecked mental health disorders can also negatively impact your marriage. Pay attention to you and your spouse's work stressors also. It’s hard not to bring them home. Try your best to be mindful of the fact that your spouse might be going through a stressful time and schedule anti-stress activities. 

3. Get away without the kids. This is hard for me y'all! I'm a helicopter parent to the T! I take the safety of my kids as my responsibility and it's hard for me to trust someone else with that -- especially for an extended period of time! Hubby and I love adventuring with the boys but can I tell you that on our recent hiking 🥾 trip together we felt like teenagers again! We had no distractions and could just focus on each other! We plan on making hiking our new thing!

4. I've said this before but I'll say it again! Involve each other in your dreams. When you’ve been married for awhile a drift can occur. In order to not grow apart be sure to involve each other in your dreams and celebrate small wins! We recently set a goal of 5k followers on my Instagram profile and said that if I achieved it the family would go out to eat at our favorite restaurant. Can I say that we are so happy that we made it!! This helped us to communicate more and to be active in making the dream a reality. It's all hands on deck. If hubby has a goal I also chip in to support! I've always kept my goals to myself -- because I'm a firstborn and like to lead when it comes to my passions but life is so much better as a team!

5. Find a good counselor. This is another tip that I've mentioned before but it's so crucial! I'm not ashamed to say that we've seen a marriage counselor! In fact we've seen two! They are a couple that we love so much! We highly recommend themarriagemenders! They are the best because they are a couple that have gone through a lot but are still standing strong! There are some bumps in the road of marriage that you just might need help overcoming. Just like you might call up a plumber for a leak or a roofer to fix your roof -- call the professionals when there are things that you need help with in your marriage. 

6. Voice your expectations. I recently heard Devon Franklin say that we are disappointed in marriage because we set expectations on a person without voicing them. When they do not meet our silent expectations we then get sad, disappointed or mad. For instance, as someone with the love language of words of affirmation I expect that when I clean, cook or do any other task that my spouse will show appreciation by vocalizing it. He might give me a hug and smile or clean up the kitchen to show his appreciation but because physical touch and acts of service isn't my love language that gesture usually goes over my head. I had to actually voice my expectation. If it's your expectation is that your spouse changes diapers, wakes up to feed the baby also or help with cleaning don't just wait to see if they do it--that's shady LOL, voice your expectations kindly!

7. Pray together -  The foundation of our marriage is God! Period! We wouldn't have found each other without Him and we owe all that we are to Him. We can totally tell the difference in our relationship when we do not pray together. We try to pray at least once during the day together and also keep our personal devotion time solid. No hardship would be greater than you if you both submit your hearts to the Lord! Oh, if you are at a point where do don't feel like praying with your spouse--because that can happen, ask someone that truly care about you to pray for you. You don't have to give all the details but prayers truly help!



Disclaimer: This post is in no way meant to be an aid to someone that's being physically, emotionally, spiritually, psychologically or financially abused. Marriage should be a garden where you can grow fully and beautifully. Seek help if you're with someone that's abusing you. The biggest help that you can receive to start is to educate yourself on the forms of abuse, work on daily affirmations and find a tribe that can support you. One love!

Post a Comment

thegoandgrowfamily © . Design by Berenica Designs.